This is a piece written by my good friend Matt Cassel (with some minor additions from myself).  I’ve spent many Monday evenings with Matt talking about girls, relationships, and a general assortment of life on the streets of Lancaster, PA.  This article encompasses a good chunk of our topics of discussion, and I hope that anyone who is in a relationship or just looking for one will be blessed by what Matt writes here.

So often we seem to view ourselves as incomplete and only half of what we could be…. If only we found “the ONE”.  I was talking with a friend once and we began tearing apart the commonly accepted idea of dating (and ultimately marriage) with the Word and the understanding of who we are in Christ. So often, we realized, we use our significant other or the pursuit of them as a crutch or an excuse for not being who we are called to be. We put off the vision for our life until we find the right one (who ironically becomes our vision).  God has plans for each person as an individual, and when we begin believing that we’re missing something in order to fulfill the vision, we turn our attention to the “something” – denying the truth that we are complete in Christ and lacking nothing.

So when I understand that I am complete, that I can make decisions based on what I hold as the truth, I am entirely capable of walking in the direction that God wants me to go.  This is not to say desiring another person is wrong, obviously – Adam in perfect relationship with God in Eden was still lonely, which is why God made Eve, and He said this was good.  It’s just that we’ve got to understand relationships from a bigger perspective.

To put this in perspective, view yourself as a car. A car capable of starting, driving, turning, and so forth, all on your own. This car represents a person who knows their identity and doesn’t rely on anyone else to define them. The only way to improve the car is to add a modification…

For our case I’ll use a super-charger.  This is an incredibly costly addition to a vehicle.  Before you can put one on a car, there typically has to be upgrades and modifications done to the engine, transmission, drive train, and so on.  Only then will it work to its full potential with the car.  It’s a highly refined piece of machinery and is built to last (hence the ridiculous price).  When you apply this idea to the concept of dating, what you are looking for is someone who is their own person, not needing anyone else to define them (a super-charger is always a super-charger on or off the car), and when you find a person like that, it takes time and preparation to create a place for that person to fit into your life in a way that is productive and beneficial for both people (this is the purpose of dating – to begin the process of modifying your “car” for the better of both parties).  This looks different for everyone, but establishing goals and building trust are huge in this process and constantly seeking the Lord in all of it. And when it all comes together, you have the same car and the same super-charger now lined up to put power to both of their identities and dreams.

On the other hand, there are people who settle for those who are insecure and view relationships as the cure to their identity problems. We shall call them u-haul trailers.  They are their own person, but they need a car to tow them to get anywhere.  Often they are weighed down by their own insecurity and baggage.  This fills the trailer, which makes it almost impossible to tow with a normal car. To pull a trailer with weight, there really should be modifications done to the car, but u-haul trailers dont come with tow packages…Leaving the car to eventually wear out and break down under the pressure and weight of a loaded trailer.

To bring it back into relationships, these “trailers” rely on their significant other for their identity.  This is extremely dangerous, because if you fall or slip up, all the pressure is on you, with no help from them to get you on your feet again.  Now to be clear, I believe that the Lord is more than willing to help, but remember that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

So when you begin the process of looking at a potential spouse, never compromise or settle for anything less than someone who will increase the vision and drive for your life, and someone who in turn has a vision that YOU want to empower.  Looking for this is not pride, it’s rooted in our identity as God’s beloved.  Walk in the understanding that you cannot partner yourself with somebody who doesn’t understand their value in the Lord. We love all people the same, but loving someone doesn’t mean you have to marry them – it means looking out for their best interests and your own (love your neighbor as you LOVE YOURSELF).  Super-chargers and u-haul trailers – know the difference, and choose wisely!