His eyes are closed

Hands resting on his chest

He lies there still and silent

Outward peace and quiet

Inward growing violent.

An unrelenting agony

A cesspool of regrets

But this you’ll never see

He hides it well.

 

These thoughts that come have done their time

They took a number, stood in line

He never let them in.

So now, defenses all abandoned

No excuses, no delay

No one left to answer them

But him

So now they’ll have their say.

 

“What did I have to lose?

Why did I let go so soon?

My life a ruin.

Pity was a traitor

Always thought things would change later

Never stopped to feel the breeze

Or slow it down

I let me down

I let me drown.

I had the time, the fault all mine –

I never learned to live!

 

Religion and my rituals

Deferred the questions burning in me

Made me just a copy

Of my father’s father’s mind.

Eroded my imagination

Feeling this disintegration

I became an ally

To my personal demise.

 

What was it about me that I just had to focus on?

As if no one else around me had their own lives going on?

I had the time, the fault all mine –

I never learned to live!

 

If only I’d have conquered fear

And kept to all my dreams

Not found something wrong with everything

And not been scared to lead

If I’d just have been real

And reached out when I had need

Maybe when I got here

I’d not be in agony.

 

I feared to face the silence

Now it’s here, but it’s too late

Cause now that I’m all ears

It’s past its expiration date.

 

How sad that now I knows these things

And long to go and give

I’m buried in a graveyard

And have no life left to live.”